An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy ,
went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from
the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have
no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with sexual
favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one
more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?''
Friday, September 3, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
The moral of the story
This is a story about
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear
A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.
There is a moral to this story.....
In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.
The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,
'Gosh...if I go down three inches
I will feel the mist
From the water and I will be refreshed.'
There was a fish in the water thinking,
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'
There was a bear on the shore thinking,
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches
That fish will jump for the fly...
And I will grab the fish!!'
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.....
'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish leaps for it...
That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'
Now, you probably think this is
Enough activity on one river bank,
But I can tell you there's more....
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,
'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish jumps for that fly..
And that bear grabs for that fish...
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich.'
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
This particular river around lunch time)
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..
And that fish jumps for that fly
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear..
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .
Then I can have mouse for lunch.'
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish..
The hunter shoots the bear..
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.
NOW, The Moral Of The Story...
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear
A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.
There is a moral to this story.....
In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.
The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,
'Gosh...if I go down three inches
I will feel the mist
From the water and I will be refreshed.'
There was a fish in the water thinking,
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'
There was a bear on the shore thinking,
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches
That fish will jump for the fly...
And I will grab the fish!!'
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.....
'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish leaps for it...
That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'
Now, you probably think this is
Enough activity on one river bank,
But I can tell you there's more....
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,
'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish jumps for that fly..
And that bear grabs for that fish...
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich.'
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
This particular river around lunch time)
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..
And that fish jumps for that fly
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear..
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .
Then I can have mouse for lunch.'
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish..
The hunter shoots the bear..
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.
NOW, The Moral Of The Story...
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Head of the household
When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, 'I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter.'
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was100 miles long and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, 'You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! 'You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! 'Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.' God turned to the one man, 'How did you manage to be the only one in this line?'
The man replied, 'My wife told me to stand here.'
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was100 miles long and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, 'You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! 'You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! 'Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.' God turned to the one man, 'How did you manage to be the only one in this line?'
The man replied, 'My wife told me to stand here.'
Thursday, July 29, 2010
New words
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n.. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v.. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. (actally this has been credited to George Carlin, described as a staunch atheist.)
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n.. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v.. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. (actally this has been credited to George Carlin, described as a staunch atheist.)
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Monday, July 12, 2010
An interesting paradox
In a small town, a person decided to open up a brothel, which was right opposite to a church. The church & its congregation started a campaign to block the brothel from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business.
Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the brothel and it was burnt to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the brothel owner sued the church authorities on the grounds that the church through its congregation & prayers was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his brothel, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons for the act of God. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented:
'I don't know how I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, we have a brothel owner who firmly believes in the power of prayer and an entire church that doesn't.'
Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the brothel and it was burnt to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the brothel owner sued the church authorities on the grounds that the church through its congregation & prayers was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his brothel, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons for the act of God. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented:
'I don't know how I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, we have a brothel owner who firmly believes in the power of prayer and an entire church that doesn't.'
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Gotta love this Doctor
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine; that means they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine; that means they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Friday, May 14, 2010
He Said To Me
He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?
He said to me .. . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart.
He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time.
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.
He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
He said....What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.
He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . .
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?
He said to me .. . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart.
He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time.
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.
He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
He said....What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.
He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . .
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Friday, May 7, 2010
The Horse and the Chicken
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Women's English and Men's English
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do! what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
---------------------------------------------------------
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do! what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
---------------------------------------------------------
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
What it really means
40-ish.............................................49
Adventurous.................................Slept with everyone
Athletic..........................................No tits
Average looking..........................Moooo
Beautiful.......................................Pathological liar
Emotionally Secure......................On medication
Feminist..........................................Fat
Free spirit....................................Junkie
Friendship first..........................Former ****
New-Age....................................Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned.............................No BJs
Open-minded.................................Desperate
Outgoing........................................Loud and Embarrassing
Professional....................................*****
Voluptuous...................................Very Fat
Large frame.................................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker
Adventurous.................................Slept with everyone
Athletic..........................................No tits
Average looking..........................Moooo
Beautiful.......................................Pathological liar
Emotionally Secure......................On medication
Feminist..........................................Fat
Free spirit....................................Junkie
Friendship first..........................Former ****
New-Age....................................Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned.............................No BJs
Open-minded.................................Desperate
Outgoing........................................Loud and Embarrassing
Professional....................................*****
Voluptuous...................................Very Fat
Large frame.................................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker
Thursday, March 18, 2010
A real man
Girl: I have had sex with 4 boys & you have done it with 8 girls, still everybody calls me a SLUT & calls you a REAL MAN.
Please explain.
BOY: Very simple....
When a lock is opened by many keys, it becomes a BAD LOCK..... Not a reliable Lock.
But when a key opens many locks, it becomes a MASTER KEY.
Please explain.
BOY: Very simple....
When a lock is opened by many keys, it becomes a BAD LOCK..... Not a reliable Lock.
But when a key opens many locks, it becomes a MASTER KEY.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Engineer vs management
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Monday, March 15, 2010
Women-only carpark
With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded carparks ... Especially during evening hours ... The Edinburgh City Council has established a 'Women Only' carpark at the Tesco shopping centre.. Even the parking attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.
Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Edinburgh!
Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Edinburgh!
Male or female?
Male or Female? You might not know this...but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off...it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed...but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object... Because to get them to go anywhere.....you have to light a fire under their arse.
SPONGES: These are female...because they are soft......squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES:
Female...because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male... Because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because....over time...all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male.... Because in the last 5000 years.....they've hardly changed at all...and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male...but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it...and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push...he just keeps trying
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off...it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed...but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object... Because to get them to go anywhere.....you have to light a fire under their arse.
SPONGES: These are female...because they are soft......squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES:
Female...because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male... Because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because....over time...all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male.... Because in the last 5000 years.....they've hardly changed at all...and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male...but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it...and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push...he just keeps trying
Sunday, March 14, 2010
6 Classic affairs
The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home..
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "! Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and m ade a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.. It must! be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have to show you something you won't bel ieve," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"
The 4th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home..
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "! Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and m ade a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.. It must! be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have to show you something you won't bel ieve," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"
The 4th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
Sex in the Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device..... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy. . You explain the kids.'
Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device..... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy. . You explain the kids.'
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
You have wealth under your nose
Adultery happens when you start looking for what you don't have. "Bo, this girl in my office is a real looker," many a husband will say.
"But it's not her Wynona Rider features that got me. I'm head over heels with her because she's also understanding, intelligent, tender -- so many things that my wife has not.
Sure. Guys, trust me on this. Somewhere along the way, you'll find a woman who will be more charming. More alluring. More thoughtful. Richer. Be a better cook. Have greater sex appeal. Be a more efficient housekeeper. And you will find a woman who will need you and pursue you and go loco over you more than your wife ever did.
Because no wife is perfect. Because a wife will only have 90% of what you're looking for. So adultery takes place when a husband looks for the missing 10%. Let's say your wife is elancholic by nature. You may find yourself drawn to the pretty clerk who has a cherry laugh no matter what she says: "I broke my arm yesterday, Hahahaha..."
Or because your wife is a homebody in slippers and pyjamas, smelling of garlic and fish oil, you may fall for a fresh-smelling young sales representative that visits your office in a sharp black blazer, high heels, and a red pencil-cut skirt.
Or because your wife is the quiet type (a rare find), your heart may skip a beat when you meet an old college flame who has the makings of a talk show host like Oprah. But wait!
That's only 10% of what you don't have. Don't throw away the 90% that you already have! That's not all. Add to your wife's 90% the 1000% that represents all the years that you have been with each other. The storms you have weathered together. The unforgettable moments of sadness and joy as a couple. The many adjustments you have made to love the other. The wealth of memories that you've accumulated as lovers.
Adultery happens when you start looking for what you don't have. But faithfulness happens when you start thanking God for what you already have.
But I'm not just talking about marriage. I'm talking about life! About your jobs. About your friends. About your children. About your prayer groups. About your lifestyles. Are you like the economy airline passenger that perennially peeks through the door of the first class cabin, obsessed with what he's missing? "They have got more leg room! Oh my, their food is served in porcelain! Wow, their seats recline at an 80% angle and they've got personal videos!"
I guarantee you'll be miserable for the entire trip! Don't live your life like that. Forget about what the world says is first class. (Do you know that there are many first class passengers who are miserable in first class -- because they're not riding in a private Lear Jet?)
By Bo Sanchez From his book: You Have the Power to Create
"But it's not her Wynona Rider features that got me. I'm head over heels with her because she's also understanding, intelligent, tender -- so many things that my wife has not.
Sure. Guys, trust me on this. Somewhere along the way, you'll find a woman who will be more charming. More alluring. More thoughtful. Richer. Be a better cook. Have greater sex appeal. Be a more efficient housekeeper. And you will find a woman who will need you and pursue you and go loco over you more than your wife ever did.
Because no wife is perfect. Because a wife will only have 90% of what you're looking for. So adultery takes place when a husband looks for the missing 10%. Let's say your wife is elancholic by nature. You may find yourself drawn to the pretty clerk who has a cherry laugh no matter what she says: "I broke my arm yesterday, Hahahaha..."
Or because your wife is a homebody in slippers and pyjamas, smelling of garlic and fish oil, you may fall for a fresh-smelling young sales representative that visits your office in a sharp black blazer, high heels, and a red pencil-cut skirt.
Or because your wife is the quiet type (a rare find), your heart may skip a beat when you meet an old college flame who has the makings of a talk show host like Oprah. But wait!
That's only 10% of what you don't have. Don't throw away the 90% that you already have! That's not all. Add to your wife's 90% the 1000% that represents all the years that you have been with each other. The storms you have weathered together. The unforgettable moments of sadness and joy as a couple. The many adjustments you have made to love the other. The wealth of memories that you've accumulated as lovers.
Adultery happens when you start looking for what you don't have. But faithfulness happens when you start thanking God for what you already have.
But I'm not just talking about marriage. I'm talking about life! About your jobs. About your friends. About your children. About your prayer groups. About your lifestyles. Are you like the economy airline passenger that perennially peeks through the door of the first class cabin, obsessed with what he's missing? "They have got more leg room! Oh my, their food is served in porcelain! Wow, their seats recline at an 80% angle and they've got personal videos!"
I guarantee you'll be miserable for the entire trip! Don't live your life like that. Forget about what the world says is first class. (Do you know that there are many first class passengers who are miserable in first class -- because they're not riding in a private Lear Jet?)
By Bo Sanchez From his book: You Have the Power to Create
Productivity Campaign
A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels
that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer
bought one young cock from the market.
Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together productivity.
Young cock : What ya mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.
Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose, you will have all.
Young cock : O.K. What kind of competition?
Old cock : 50 metre run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 metres.
Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.
Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10-metre mark, the Young cock chases him with all his might.
Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock's back, in a matter of seconds.
Suddenly, Bang! ..... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Fucking Hell! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !"
that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer
bought one young cock from the market.
Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together productivity.
Young cock : What ya mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.
Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose, you will have all.
Young cock : O.K. What kind of competition?
Old cock : 50 metre run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 metres.
Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.
Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10-metre mark, the Young cock chases him with all his might.
Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock's back, in a matter of seconds.
Suddenly, Bang! ..... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Fucking Hell! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !"
The jar
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it..
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next,
he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next,
he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Language barrier
Once upon a time, there are Chinese and English men who do not understand each of their language very well, they agree to go to the restaurant and order some food.
Everytime the Chinese man lift up his glass, he starts to tell to the English man “ Gan Bei” (Cheers).
The English man confuse what is that for, but he continues his eating. That thing happens few times, everytime the Chinese man want to drink he always says “Gan Bei” The English man only nods and silent then drink and eating again. Not so long the Chinese man says it again, “Gan Bei” while he is lifting up his glass. This time the English man put his cutlery and angry at the Chinese man and says “ It’s all right if u CAN’T PAY!” I will pay! So shut up!”
Everytime the Chinese man lift up his glass, he starts to tell to the English man “ Gan Bei” (Cheers).
The English man confuse what is that for, but he continues his eating. That thing happens few times, everytime the Chinese man want to drink he always says “Gan Bei” The English man only nods and silent then drink and eating again. Not so long the Chinese man says it again, “Gan Bei” while he is lifting up his glass. This time the English man put his cutlery and angry at the Chinese man and says “ It’s all right if u CAN’T PAY!” I will pay! So shut up!”
Monday, February 22, 2010
Asian banking
There was a short line at the bank. Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'
The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'
The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!'
How the fight started
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our
upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny
that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take
her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas
station.
And then the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to
apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter
asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I
looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I
opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said,
'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security
application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You
might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her
drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her
husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller
Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night
than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look
big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
and then the fight started.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise
came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled
at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked
jumped out the window.. He smashed himself on the ground,
ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the
bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your
husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you
running?'
And then the fight started.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made
my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to
back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and
slipped back into bed..
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe
my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet
appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you
want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow
I always had something else to take care of first: the
truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more
important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the
tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out
again I handed her a toothbrush.
'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said,
'you might as well sweep the driveway.'
and then the fight started....
upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny
that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take
her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas
station.
And then the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to
apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter
asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I
looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I
opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said,
'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security
application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You
might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her
drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her
husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller
Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night
than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look
big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
and then the fight started.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise
came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled
at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked
jumped out the window.. He smashed himself on the ground,
ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the
bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your
husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you
running?'
And then the fight started.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made
my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to
back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and
slipped back into bed..
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe
my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet
appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you
want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow
I always had something else to take care of first: the
truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more
important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the
tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out
again I handed her a toothbrush.
'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said,
'you might as well sweep the driveway.'
and then the fight started....
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Work Efficiency - The Spoon
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to
revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant.. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to
revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant.. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
The 'painful' guide to visiting S'pore
By jeremy au yong, jay talking
Thinking of taking a holiday in Singapore but fear there won't be enough suffering?
Well, worry no more. (Unless, of course, you happen to enjoy worrying, in which case you can worry all you want. Whatever floats your boat. I'm not here to judge.)
We will be the first to admit that Singapore has long neglected your specific demographic. In the past, the country had very little to offer people like you who demand a certain amount of pain and suffering on their vacations.
You will be glad to know that much has changed. In recent months, numerous existing attractions have been retrofitted to cater to your specific tastes. We did a detailed study and invested some effort into this project and I am sure you will like what you see.
Where we could not have the attraction to directly inflict pain on you, we inflicted pain on the attraction so that you can be reminded of pain.
We have spared no expense for the sake of your displeasure.
While we cannot list all of the different attractions here, we've picked just a few painful highlights.
Enjoy, or rather, don't enjoy your stay!
Shopping
Do you find that your shopping experience lacks pushing, shoving and people ramming into you with trolleys loaded with television sets?
Want a shopping trip where you can get good bargains and yet at the same time be exposed to risk of death by suffocation?
Then you absolutely cannot miss one of Singapore's IT fairs.
At every fair, nearly the entire male population crams into a few convention centre floors and proceeds to buy flatscreen TVs like they (the TVs, not the men) are curry puffs.
IT vendor: Hello uncle, would you like to buy a TV? There's a promotion.
Man: Sure, I'll take five. And don't call me uncle.
If you think crowds are painful, wait till you try a crowd where every other person is pushing a trolley with a giant TV in it.
You may never want to go back to normal shopping again.
Eating
Singapore has long been known for its great dining experiences. It is known for having good food at clean hawker centres at very reasonable prices.
Understandably, you masochistic tourists stayed away.
However, thanks to the innovative efforts of one seafood stall at Newton Hawker Centre, Singapore now has a dining experience it is proud to offer to visitors like you.
You will still get a taste of Singapore food but with the added satisfaction of feeling completely ripped off at the end.
Enjoy the thrill of being presented with a gigantic bill at the end of your meal. A single tiger prawn can cost as much as $30. A meal for six will cost more than that TV set you got rammed with at the IT fair.
For a little added bonus, try querying the bill. Then just sit back and soak in some fear as some burly men appear to persuade you to pay.
When you finally cave in and pay up, make sure you don't pay with exact change, then watch helplessly as the stall owner who presented you with the large bill thinks you want to give him a tip.
It's this sort of dining experience that prompted one masochist to say: 'Die, die must try'.
Water sports
After you've done all the shopping and eating, how about some outdoor activity to burn off those calories?
For you the masochist, we offer an exciting water rescue that combines physical pain of injury with the emotional pain of feeling unappreciated.
The day starts with a stroll along the Singapore River near the Merlion. If you are lucky, someone who cannot swim will fall into the water. You then dive into the water to perform a heroic rescue.
In the process, you are likely to suffer scrapes and bruises bad enough to warrant a trip to hospital.
Sounds good so far? It gets better.
Not only are you wet and injured for doing a good thing, you will also be out of pocket to the tune of $90. Yes, as a special treat for tourists like you, you will be made to pay your hospital bill.
During the trip, be sure to have your picture taken with the Merlion statue.
It became an iconic symbol for pain after a lightning strike left a large hole in its head.
Amazing views
After all that excitement, it's time to wind down with a relaxing ride on the world's largest observation wheel, the Singapore Flyer. Such wheels may be commonplace these days, but none offers the kind of torture we do.
As with the water rescue, timing is crucial here. While the wheel will operate normally most times (it has to cater to normal tourists too), it will occasionally break down.
When it does, you can look forward to up to six hours stuck in a small enclosed capsule at over 100m in the air.
This is especially recommended for claustrophobic masochists who fear heights.
For the ultimate experience though, make sure to drink a lot of water just before you get on and don't take any plastic bags with you.
Somewhere around the third hour, you'll be a big hit with the rest of the passengers.
These are but a few of the many wonderful experiences just waiting to be enjoyed. And we're coming up with new ways to hurt you all the time.
So what are you waiting for? Contact your travel agent today.
jeremyau@sph.com.sg
This article was first published in The Straits Times.
Thinking of taking a holiday in Singapore but fear there won't be enough suffering?
Well, worry no more. (Unless, of course, you happen to enjoy worrying, in which case you can worry all you want. Whatever floats your boat. I'm not here to judge.)
We will be the first to admit that Singapore has long neglected your specific demographic. In the past, the country had very little to offer people like you who demand a certain amount of pain and suffering on their vacations.
You will be glad to know that much has changed. In recent months, numerous existing attractions have been retrofitted to cater to your specific tastes. We did a detailed study and invested some effort into this project and I am sure you will like what you see.
Where we could not have the attraction to directly inflict pain on you, we inflicted pain on the attraction so that you can be reminded of pain.
We have spared no expense for the sake of your displeasure.
While we cannot list all of the different attractions here, we've picked just a few painful highlights.
Enjoy, or rather, don't enjoy your stay!
Shopping
Do you find that your shopping experience lacks pushing, shoving and people ramming into you with trolleys loaded with television sets?
Want a shopping trip where you can get good bargains and yet at the same time be exposed to risk of death by suffocation?
Then you absolutely cannot miss one of Singapore's IT fairs.
At every fair, nearly the entire male population crams into a few convention centre floors and proceeds to buy flatscreen TVs like they (the TVs, not the men) are curry puffs.
IT vendor: Hello uncle, would you like to buy a TV? There's a promotion.
Man: Sure, I'll take five. And don't call me uncle.
If you think crowds are painful, wait till you try a crowd where every other person is pushing a trolley with a giant TV in it.
You may never want to go back to normal shopping again.
Eating
Singapore has long been known for its great dining experiences. It is known for having good food at clean hawker centres at very reasonable prices.
Understandably, you masochistic tourists stayed away.
However, thanks to the innovative efforts of one seafood stall at Newton Hawker Centre, Singapore now has a dining experience it is proud to offer to visitors like you.
You will still get a taste of Singapore food but with the added satisfaction of feeling completely ripped off at the end.
Enjoy the thrill of being presented with a gigantic bill at the end of your meal. A single tiger prawn can cost as much as $30. A meal for six will cost more than that TV set you got rammed with at the IT fair.
For a little added bonus, try querying the bill. Then just sit back and soak in some fear as some burly men appear to persuade you to pay.
When you finally cave in and pay up, make sure you don't pay with exact change, then watch helplessly as the stall owner who presented you with the large bill thinks you want to give him a tip.
It's this sort of dining experience that prompted one masochist to say: 'Die, die must try'.
Water sports
After you've done all the shopping and eating, how about some outdoor activity to burn off those calories?
For you the masochist, we offer an exciting water rescue that combines physical pain of injury with the emotional pain of feeling unappreciated.
The day starts with a stroll along the Singapore River near the Merlion. If you are lucky, someone who cannot swim will fall into the water. You then dive into the water to perform a heroic rescue.
In the process, you are likely to suffer scrapes and bruises bad enough to warrant a trip to hospital.
Sounds good so far? It gets better.
Not only are you wet and injured for doing a good thing, you will also be out of pocket to the tune of $90. Yes, as a special treat for tourists like you, you will be made to pay your hospital bill.
During the trip, be sure to have your picture taken with the Merlion statue.
It became an iconic symbol for pain after a lightning strike left a large hole in its head.
Amazing views
After all that excitement, it's time to wind down with a relaxing ride on the world's largest observation wheel, the Singapore Flyer. Such wheels may be commonplace these days, but none offers the kind of torture we do.
As with the water rescue, timing is crucial here. While the wheel will operate normally most times (it has to cater to normal tourists too), it will occasionally break down.
When it does, you can look forward to up to six hours stuck in a small enclosed capsule at over 100m in the air.
This is especially recommended for claustrophobic masochists who fear heights.
For the ultimate experience though, make sure to drink a lot of water just before you get on and don't take any plastic bags with you.
Somewhere around the third hour, you'll be a big hit with the rest of the passengers.
These are but a few of the many wonderful experiences just waiting to be enjoyed. And we're coming up with new ways to hurt you all the time.
So what are you waiting for? Contact your travel agent today.
jeremyau@sph.com.sg
This article was first published in The Straits Times.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Bicycle Seats
Girls,
I understand that you are buying a bicycle each.. please see the photo below before buying....
When buying a bicycle, make sure colour of the seat is taken into consideration!
I understand that you are buying a bicycle each.. please see the photo below before buying....
When buying a bicycle, make sure colour of the seat is taken into consideration!
 |
Friday, February 12, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
