A tiny kitten has been paying close attention to how his owners get in and out of this room, and has taught himself to open the door on his own!
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
The mousetrap
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.
"What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered.
He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard,
the mouse proclaimed this warning :
"There is a mousetrap in the house!
There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched,
raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse,
I can tell this is a grave concern to you,
but it is of no consequence to me.
I cannot be bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him,
"There is a mousetrap in the house!
There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The pig sympathized, but said,
"I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse,
but there is nothing I can do about it but pray.
Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said,
"There is a mousetrap in the house!
There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap
. . . Alone. . .
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house
-- the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did no see it. It was a venomous snake whose tail was caught in the trap. The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital.
When she returned home she still had a fever. Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup. So the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient: Chicken.
But his wife's sickness continued. Friends and neighbours came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
But, alas, the farmer's wife did not get well... She died. So many people came for her funeral that the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat to all of them for the funeral luncheon.
And the mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.
So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and you think it doesn't concern you, remember ---
When one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.
We are all involved in this journey called life.
We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.
"What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered.
He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard,
the mouse proclaimed this warning :
"There is a mousetrap in the house!
There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched,
raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse,
I can tell this is a grave concern to you,
but it is of no consequence to me.
I cannot be bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him,
"There is a mousetrap in the house!
There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The pig sympathized, but said,
"I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse,
but there is nothing I can do about it but pray.
Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said,
"There is a mousetrap in the house!
There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap
. . . Alone. . .
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house
-- the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did no see it. It was a venomous snake whose tail was caught in the trap. The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital.
When she returned home she still had a fever. Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup. So the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient: Chicken.
But his wife's sickness continued. Friends and neighbours came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
But, alas, the farmer's wife did not get well... She died. So many people came for her funeral that the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat to all of them for the funeral luncheon.
And the mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.
So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and you think it doesn't concern you, remember ---
When one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.
We are all involved in this journey called life.
We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Don't lie to kids
There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach.
Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he covers his private parts with a newspaper.
The little girl says, 'What's under there?' The man answers, 'A bird.'
The girl goes away and the man falls asleep.
When he wakes up, he is in a hospital and in great pain.
A doctor comes up to his bed and asks, 'What happened?'
The man answers, 'I don't know.
I was at the beach and I fell asleep after talking to a little girl.'
So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to the beach to find any witnesses.
When they get there, they see the little girl the man was talking about.
So they ask her if she did anything to the man.
She answers, ' I didn't do anything to the man, but while he was sleeping, I played with his bird.
After a while, it spit at me, so I broke its neck, burned its nest, and smashed all its eggs!'
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Did I read that sign right?
Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND
GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Male comebacks to female comebacks to male pick up lines
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a slut.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: There's no need to get on your knees and suck me off just yet.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back of my car, I don't give a shit where you go.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: That explains the moustache then!
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilised.
Man: No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your ass.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible to shake off once you've been shagged.
Man: Would you like to dance?
Woman: I'd rather eat glass.
Man: I think you mis-heard me. I said you look fat in those pants.
Man: You're pretty...
Woman: Piss off.
Man: Don't interrupt, You're pretty fuckin ugly!
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a slut.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: There's no need to get on your knees and suck me off just yet.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back of my car, I don't give a shit where you go.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: That explains the moustache then!
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilised.
Man: No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your ass.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible to shake off once you've been shagged.
Man: Would you like to dance?
Woman: I'd rather eat glass.
Man: I think you mis-heard me. I said you look fat in those pants.
Man: You're pretty...
Woman: Piss off.
Man: Don't interrupt, You're pretty fuckin ugly!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Amazing Anagrams
(Wait till you see the last one)!
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
0A
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
Whe n you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
0A
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
Whe n you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Life Explained
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village.
A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked
how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long." they answered in unison.
"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?"
The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.
"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children,
and take siestas with our wives.
In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends,
have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs.
We have a full life."
The tourist interrupted,
"I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you!
You should start by fishing longer every day.
You can then sell the extra fish you catch.
With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."
"And after that?"
"With the extra money the larger boat will bring,
you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant.
You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City,
Los Angeles, or even New York City!
From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."
"How long would that take?"
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting, "
answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen.
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast,
sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife
and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."
That's what I am doing now !! Replied the fisherman.
And the moral of this story is:
Know where you're going in life.... you may already be there!!
A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked
how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long." they answered in unison.
"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?"
The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.
"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children,
and take siestas with our wives.
In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends,
have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs.
We have a full life."
The tourist interrupted,
"I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you!
You should start by fishing longer every day.
You can then sell the extra fish you catch.
With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."
"And after that?"
"With the extra money the larger boat will bring,
you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant.
You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City,
Los Angeles, or even New York City!
From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."
"How long would that take?"
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting, "
answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen.
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast,
sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife
and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."
That's what I am doing now !! Replied the fisherman.
And the moral of this story is:
Know where you're going in life.... you may already be there!!
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Divorce
An elderly man in Mumbai calls his son in New York and says,
'I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 35 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!'
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'
She calls Mumbai immediately, and screams at the old man, 'You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then , don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR??' and she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay', he says, 'It's all set. They're both coming for our anniversary and paying their own airfare!!'
'I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 35 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!'
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'
She calls Mumbai immediately, and screams at the old man, 'You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then , don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR??' and she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay', he says, 'It's all set. They're both coming for our anniversary and paying their own airfare!!'
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
For those who think they know everything
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for
Blood plasma.
***************************************************************************
No piece of paper can be folded in half
more than seven (7) times. Oh go ahead...I'll wait...~
****************************************************************************
Donkeys kill more people annually
Than plane crashes or shark attacks. (Watch your Ass )
************************************************************************
You burn more calories sleeping
than you do watching television.
**************************************************************************
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
****************************************************************************
The first product to have a bar code
was Wrigley's gum.
*************************************************************************
The King of Hearts is the only king
WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE
***************************************************************************
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive
from each salad served in first-class.
************************************************ **************************
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
(Since Venus is normally associated with women,what does this tell you!) *********************************************************************
Apples, not caffeine,
are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
***********************************************************************
Most dust particles in your house are made from
DEAD SKIN!
****************************************************************************
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
So did the first ' MarlboroMan.'
***************************************************************************
Walt Disney was afraid
OF MICE!
**************************************************************************
PEARLS MELT
IN VINEGAR!
*********************************************************************
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
**********************************************************************
It is possible to lead a cow up stairs...
but, not downstairs.
************************************************************************
A duck's quack doesn't echo,
and no one knows why.
************************************************************************
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)
***************************************************
Richard Millhouse Nixon
was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word 'criminal.' (who thinks up this stuff???)
The second?
William Jefferson Clinton
(Please don't tell me you're SURPRISED!!!)
************************* ********************************
And the best for last.....
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that, don't YOU?)
******************************************************************************
Blood plasma.
***************************************************************************
No piece of paper can be folded in half
more than seven (7) times. Oh go ahead...I'll wait...~
****************************************************************************
Donkeys kill more people annually
Than plane crashes or shark attacks. (Watch your Ass )
************************************************************************
You burn more calories sleeping
than you do watching television.
**************************************************************************
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
****************************************************************************
The first product to have a bar code
was Wrigley's gum.
*************************************************************************
The King of Hearts is the only king
WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE
***************************************************************************
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive
from each salad served in first-class.
************************************************ **************************
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
(Since Venus is normally associated with women,what does this tell you!) *********************************************************************
Apples, not caffeine,
are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
***********************************************************************
Most dust particles in your house are made from
DEAD SKIN!
****************************************************************************
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
So did the first ' MarlboroMan.'
***************************************************************************
Walt Disney was afraid
OF MICE!
**************************************************************************
PEARLS MELT
IN VINEGAR!
*********************************************************************
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
**********************************************************************
It is possible to lead a cow up stairs...
but, not downstairs.
************************************************************************
A duck's quack doesn't echo,
and no one knows why.
************************************************************************
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)
***************************************************
Richard Millhouse Nixon
was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word 'criminal.' (who thinks up this stuff???)
The second?
William Jefferson Clinton
(Please don't tell me you're SURPRISED!!!)
************************* ********************************
And the best for last.....
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that, don't YOU?)
******************************************************************************
(1) DON'T LOOK AT NAKED LADY
Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I'll
turn into stone. A part of me is getting hard already!
(2) NAMES OF WIVES
A malay man had 4 wives, and he called his...
4th wife..... baby doll
3rd wife.....china doll
2nd wife.....barbie doll
1st wife..... panadol !
(3) HOW INDIA GOT ITS NAME
This is how India got its name.....
The king was having sex with his mistress while thinking a name
of his country and his mistress ask him "is it In Dear?"...
(4) RESEARCH FINDING
Research shows men are fatter than women because every-night men
get fresh milk & 2 big papayas while women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1 tea-spoon of starch!
(5) ARAB MAN
An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
'Your name pls.'?
"Abdul Aziz "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week!! "
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !"
(6) SERVICE
Sex is like a restaurant.
Sometimes you get full satisfactory service,
and sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service"
(7) HAPPY MAN
What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy
and .. Wife on the cover of "missing persons"
(8) SWIMSUIT
Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.
(9) GOOD AMBITION
Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a
woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.
(10) DENTIST
Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll rather have
a baby than have a tooth removed."
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair
accordingly."
(11) VIRGIN
Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to
read : BORN A
VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED "
(12) OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL
75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
On their first night both were crying - why???
Coz she didn't know anything, and
he had forgotten everything.
Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I'll
turn into stone. A part of me is getting hard already!
(2) NAMES OF WIVES
A malay man had 4 wives, and he called his...
4th wife..... baby doll
3rd wife.....china doll
2nd wife.....barbie doll
1st wife..... panadol !
(3) HOW INDIA GOT ITS NAME
This is how India got its name.....
The king was having sex with his mistress while thinking a name
of his country and his mistress ask him "is it In Dear?"...
(4) RESEARCH FINDING
Research shows men are fatter than women because every-night men
get fresh milk & 2 big papayas while women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1 tea-spoon of starch!
(5) ARAB MAN
An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
'Your name pls.'?
"Abdul Aziz "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week!! "
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !"
(6) SERVICE
Sex is like a restaurant.
Sometimes you get full satisfactory service,
and sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service"
(7) HAPPY MAN
What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy
and .. Wife on the cover of "missing persons"
(8) SWIMSUIT
Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.
(9) GOOD AMBITION
Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a
woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.
(10) DENTIST
Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll rather have
a baby than have a tooth removed."
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair
accordingly."
(11) VIRGIN
Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to
read : BORN A
VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED "
(12) OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL
75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
On their first night both were crying - why???
Coz she didn't know anything, and
he had forgotten everything.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, 'My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father' '.
The second Catholic man chirps, 'My son is a bishop.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace''.
The third Catholic gent says, 'My son is a cardinal.
When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence' '.
The fourth Catholic man chirps, 'My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness''.
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,
the four men give her a subtle, 'Well...?'
She replies, 'I have a daughter. She is slim, tall and 36-24-36.
When she walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God !.... :-)
The first Catholic man tells his friends, 'My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father' '.
The second Catholic man chirps, 'My son is a bishop.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace''.
The third Catholic gent says, 'My son is a cardinal.
When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence' '.
The fourth Catholic man chirps, 'My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness''.
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,
the four men give her a subtle, 'Well...?'
She replies, 'I have a daughter. She is slim, tall and 36-24-36.
When she walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God !.... :-)
Monday, August 17, 2009
Love yourself
I'm only as strong as the cocktails I drink, the hairspray I use, and the
girlfriends I have. Here's to you! Why do we only have parties for each
other when one of us gets married, pregnant, has a birthday, or retires?
What would most of us do without our sisters, confidants, and shopping,
lunching and traveling girlfriends? Let's celebrate each other for each
other's sake! Be happy!
Someone will always be prettier.
Someone will always be smarter.
Someone's house will be bigger.
Someone will drive a better car.
Someone's children will do better in school.
And Someone's husband will fix more things around the house.
So let it go, and love you and your circumstances.
Think about it.
The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.
And the richest woman you know, who's got the car, the house, the clothes....might be lonely.
And the word says if "I have not Love, I am nothing."
So, again, love you.
Love who you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile.
"Winners make things happen.
Losers let things happen."
Pass this on to encourage another woman.
"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world".
girlfriends I have. Here's to you! Why do we only have parties for each
other when one of us gets married, pregnant, has a birthday, or retires?
What would most of us do without our sisters, confidants, and shopping,
lunching and traveling girlfriends? Let's celebrate each other for each
other's sake! Be happy!
Someone will always be prettier.
Someone will always be smarter.
Someone's house will be bigger.
Someone will drive a better car.
Someone's children will do better in school.
And Someone's husband will fix more things around the house.
So let it go, and love you and your circumstances.
Think about it.
The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.
And the richest woman you know, who's got the car, the house, the clothes....might be lonely.
And the word says if "I have not Love, I am nothing."
So, again, love you.
Love who you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile.
"Winners make things happen.
Losers let things happen."
Pass this on to encourage another woman.
"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world".
Rape on the Plane
I have not found any websites saying this is not true. So it's better to exercise caution.
---------
I really find it hard to believe such incident can happen in the plane. But nothing is impossible nowadays. So for any of you or your spouse who is travelling alone, just need to be careful.
Actually there are many Saudi rape and abuse cases reported in the newspapers. Their government will protect their own citizens and usually turn a blind eye towards the victims (foreigners) or even jail them for supposedly making false accusations. So, stay the same.
The most horrific incident has recently occurred on a Emirates Airlines and the culprits have gotten away with it. The worst thing about this case is that this is the 4th case to have happened on this airline.
During the Christmas of 2005, Emirates Airline made it's regular flight from Dubai to Manila. However, 4 hours into the flight, most passengers were sleeping or dozing off. A man approached a lady who was alone and asked her to assist his child in the bathroom. Not thinking much the lady followed the gentleman to the rear of the plane.
Immediately she was grabbed by the man's 3 accomplices who immediately gagged and taped her mouth and then went on to rape her in the back area of the craft while 2 kept watch, 2 others molested and raped her.
After they had all had a turn, they forced her to drink a drug laced drink and escorted her to her seat. She had knocked off until she arrived in manila by which time the 4 men had disembarked and gotten away.
This is a repeat case of the same thing that happened on a flight from Dubai to Mumbai on a Emirates airline.
The Emirates staff are aware of this but when the staff have some suspicion of some incident taking place they make it a point to avoid going to the back of the plane.
This is the 4th case to take place on Emirates airline.
However the worst case of a rape victim on a emirates flight was when a flight from Bangkok to Dubai . The lady was not only raped on flight but she was taken thru immigration into Dubai and raped for several days and then later on sold to the underground.
Please pass this on to all females who travel alone.
---------
I really find it hard to believe such incident can happen in the plane. But nothing is impossible nowadays. So for any of you or your spouse who is travelling alone, just need to be careful.
Actually there are many Saudi rape and abuse cases reported in the newspapers. Their government will protect their own citizens and usually turn a blind eye towards the victims (foreigners) or even jail them for supposedly making false accusations. So, stay the same.
The most horrific incident has recently occurred on a Emirates Airlines and the culprits have gotten away with it. The worst thing about this case is that this is the 4th case to have happened on this airline.
During the Christmas of 2005, Emirates Airline made it's regular flight from Dubai to Manila. However, 4 hours into the flight, most passengers were sleeping or dozing off. A man approached a lady who was alone and asked her to assist his child in the bathroom. Not thinking much the lady followed the gentleman to the rear of the plane.
Immediately she was grabbed by the man's 3 accomplices who immediately gagged and taped her mouth and then went on to rape her in the back area of the craft while 2 kept watch, 2 others molested and raped her.
After they had all had a turn, they forced her to drink a drug laced drink and escorted her to her seat. She had knocked off until she arrived in manila by which time the 4 men had disembarked and gotten away.
This is a repeat case of the same thing that happened on a flight from Dubai to Mumbai on a Emirates airline.
The Emirates staff are aware of this but when the staff have some suspicion of some incident taking place they make it a point to avoid going to the back of the plane.
This is the 4th case to take place on Emirates airline.
However the worst case of a rape victim on a emirates flight was when a flight from Bangkok to Dubai . The lady was not only raped on flight but she was taken thru immigration into Dubai and raped for several days and then later on sold to the underground.
Please pass this on to all females who travel alone.
Indian goes to an Australian grocery store
An Indian goes to Australia and goes to Woolworths (a grocery store in Australia). He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.
The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.
Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food.
The Sardar goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.
Next week the Indian comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.
The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately takes it out. He shouts at the Indian, "What the F*** is this? Is this shit you idiot?"
The Indian calmly replies, "Yes, and I want to buy toilet paper."
The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.
Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food.
The Sardar goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.
Next week the Indian comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.
The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately takes it out. He shouts at the Indian, "What the F*** is this? Is this shit you idiot?"
The Indian calmly replies, "Yes, and I want to buy toilet paper."
World's Easiest Quiz
(Passing requires 4 correct answers)
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
All done? Check your answers below!
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
*116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
*Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
*Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
* November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
*Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
*Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name?
*Albert
8) What colour is a purple finch?
*Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
*New Zealand
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
*Orange, of course.
What do you mean you failed??
Pass this on to some other brilliant friends :P
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
All done? Check your answers below!
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
*116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
*Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
*Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
* November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
*Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
*Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name?
*Albert
8) What colour is a purple finch?
*Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
*New Zealand
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
*Orange, of course.
What do you mean you failed??
Pass this on to some other brilliant friends :P
Who is rich and who is poor?
One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live.
They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.
On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"
"It was great, Dad."
"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.
"Oh yeah," said the son.
"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
The son answered:
"I saw that we have one dog and they had four.
We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.
We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.
Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.
We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.
We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.
We buy our food, but they grow theirs.
We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."
The boy's father was speechless.
Then his son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are."
Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have.
Appreciate every single thing you have!
They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.
On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"
"It was great, Dad."
"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.
"Oh yeah," said the son.
"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
The son answered:
"I saw that we have one dog and they had four.
We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.
We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.
Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.
We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.
We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.
We buy our food, but they grow theirs.
We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."
The boy's father was speechless.
Then his son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are."
Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have.
Appreciate every single thing you have!
4 Boyfriends
Once upon a time there was this girl who had four boyfriends.
She loved the 4th boyfriend the most and adored him with rich robes and
treated him to the finest of delicacies. She gave him nothing but the
best.
She also loved the 3rd boyfriend very much and was always showing him off
to neighboring kingdoms. However, she feared that one day he would leave
her for another.
She also loved her 2nd boyfriend. He was her confidant and was always
kind,considerate and patient with her. Whenever this girl faced a problem,
she could confide in him, and he would help her get through the difficult
times.
The girls 1st boyfriend was a very loyal partner and had made great
contributions in maintaining her wealth and kingdom. However, she did not
love the first boyfriend. Although he loved her deeply, she hardly took
notice of him!
One day, the girl fell ill and she knew her time was short. She thought of
her luxurious life and wondered, I now have four boyfriends with me, but
when I die, I'll be all alone.'
Thus, she asked the 4th boyfriend, 'I loved you the most, endowed you with
the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying,
will you follow me and keep me company?'
'No way!', replied the 4th boyfriend, and he walked away without another
word..
His answer cut like a sharp knife right into her heart.
The sad girl then asked the 3rd boyfriend, 'I loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?'
'No!', replied the 3rd boyfrien d. 'Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to marry someone else!'
Her heart sank and turned cold.
She then asked the 2nd boyfriend, 'I have always turned to you for help and
you've always been there for me.
When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?'
'I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!', replied the 2nd boyfriend.
'At the very most, I can only walk with you to your grave.'
His answer struck her like a bolt of lightning, and the girl was devastated.
Then a voice called out: 'I'll go with you. I'll follow you no matter where
you go..'
The girl looked up, and there was his first boyfriend. He was very skinny as he suffered from malnutrition and neglect.
Greatly grieved, the girl said, 'I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!'
In truth, you have 4 boyfriends in your lives:
Your 4th boyfriend is your body. No matter how much time and effort you
lavish in making it look good, it will leave you when you die.
Your 3rd boyfriend is your possessions, status and wealth.When you die, it will all go to others.
Your 2nd boyfriend is your family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for you, the furthest they can stay by you is up to the grave.
And your 1st boyfriend is your Soul. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the world.
However, your Soul is the only thing that will follow you where ever you go. Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of you
that will follow you and continue with you throughout Eternity.
Pass this on to someone you care about - I just did.
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
She loved the 4th boyfriend the most and adored him with rich robes and
treated him to the finest of delicacies. She gave him nothing but the
best.
She also loved the 3rd boyfriend very much and was always showing him off
to neighboring kingdoms. However, she feared that one day he would leave
her for another.
She also loved her 2nd boyfriend. He was her confidant and was always
kind,considerate and patient with her. Whenever this girl faced a problem,
she could confide in him, and he would help her get through the difficult
times.
The girls 1st boyfriend was a very loyal partner and had made great
contributions in maintaining her wealth and kingdom. However, she did not
love the first boyfriend. Although he loved her deeply, she hardly took
notice of him!
One day, the girl fell ill and she knew her time was short. She thought of
her luxurious life and wondered, I now have four boyfriends with me, but
when I die, I'll be all alone.'
Thus, she asked the 4th boyfriend, 'I loved you the most, endowed you with
the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying,
will you follow me and keep me company?'
'No way!', replied the 4th boyfriend, and he walked away without another
word..
His answer cut like a sharp knife right into her heart.
The sad girl then asked the 3rd boyfriend, 'I loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?'
'No!', replied the 3rd boyfrien d. 'Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to marry someone else!'
Her heart sank and turned cold.
She then asked the 2nd boyfriend, 'I have always turned to you for help and
you've always been there for me.
When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?'
'I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!', replied the 2nd boyfriend.
'At the very most, I can only walk with you to your grave.'
His answer struck her like a bolt of lightning, and the girl was devastated.
Then a voice called out: 'I'll go with you. I'll follow you no matter where
you go..'
The girl looked up, and there was his first boyfriend. He was very skinny as he suffered from malnutrition and neglect.
Greatly grieved, the girl said, 'I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!'
In truth, you have 4 boyfriends in your lives:
Your 4th boyfriend is your body. No matter how much time and effort you
lavish in making it look good, it will leave you when you die.
Your 3rd boyfriend is your possessions, status and wealth.When you die, it will all go to others.
Your 2nd boyfriend is your family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for you, the furthest they can stay by you is up to the grave.
And your 1st boyfriend is your Soul. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the world.
However, your Soul is the only thing that will follow you where ever you go. Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of you
that will follow you and continue with you throughout Eternity.
Pass this on to someone you care about - I just did.
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
A Clever Tale: A Bottle of Wine
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning; it's a bad one. Both their cars are total lost, but amazingly
neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After crawling out of
their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, 'So,
you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we
should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive..'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely lost but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the
man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever.
Don't mess with them.
morning; it's a bad one. Both their cars are total lost, but amazingly
neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After crawling out of
their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, 'So,
you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we
should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive..'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely lost but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the
man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever.
Don't mess with them.
Hotel bill
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne.
After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they
Decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but
They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a bill for
$450.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the
Clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00.
When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on
Speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel
Has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available
For the husband and wife to use.
'But we didn't use them,' the man complains
'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on
To explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is
Famous. 'The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas
Perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions! The man replies, 'But we didn't
Use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' he says,
'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'
'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my
Wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have!
After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they
Decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but
They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a bill for
$450.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the
Clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00.
When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on
Speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel
Has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available
For the husband and wife to use.
'But we didn't use them,' the man complains
'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on
To explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is
Famous. 'The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas
Perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions! The man replies, 'But we didn't
Use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' he says,
'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'
'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my
Wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have!
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