Once upon a time, there are Chinese and English men who do not understand each of their language very well, they agree to go to the restaurant and order some food.
Everytime the Chinese man lift up his glass, he starts to tell to the English man “ Gan Bei” (Cheers).
The English man confuse what is that for, but he continues his eating. That thing happens few times, everytime the Chinese man want to drink he always says “Gan Bei” The English man only nods and silent then drink and eating again. Not so long the Chinese man says it again, “Gan Bei” while he is lifting up his glass. This time the English man put his cutlery and angry at the Chinese man and says “ It’s all right if u CAN’T PAY!” I will pay! So shut up!”
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Asian banking
There was a short line at the bank. Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'
The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'
The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!'
How the fight started
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our
upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny
that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take
her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas
station.
And then the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to
apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter
asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I
looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I
opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said,
'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security
application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You
might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her
drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her
husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller
Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night
than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look
big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
and then the fight started.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise
came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled
at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked
jumped out the window.. He smashed himself on the ground,
ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the
bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your
husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you
running?'
And then the fight started.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made
my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to
back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and
slipped back into bed..
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe
my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet
appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you
want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow
I always had something else to take care of first: the
truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more
important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the
tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out
again I handed her a toothbrush.
'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said,
'you might as well sweep the driveway.'
and then the fight started....
upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny
that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take
her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas
station.
And then the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to
apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter
asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I
looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I
opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said,
'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security
application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You
might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her
drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her
husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller
Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night
than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look
big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
and then the fight started.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise
came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled
at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked
jumped out the window.. He smashed himself on the ground,
ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the
bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your
husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you
running?'
And then the fight started.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made
my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to
back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and
slipped back into bed..
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe
my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet
appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you
want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow
I always had something else to take care of first: the
truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more
important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the
tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out
again I handed her a toothbrush.
'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said,
'you might as well sweep the driveway.'
and then the fight started....
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Work Efficiency - The Spoon
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to
revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant.. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to
revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant.. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
The 'painful' guide to visiting S'pore
By jeremy au yong, jay talking
Thinking of taking a holiday in Singapore but fear there won't be enough suffering?
Well, worry no more. (Unless, of course, you happen to enjoy worrying, in which case you can worry all you want. Whatever floats your boat. I'm not here to judge.)
We will be the first to admit that Singapore has long neglected your specific demographic. In the past, the country had very little to offer people like you who demand a certain amount of pain and suffering on their vacations.
You will be glad to know that much has changed. In recent months, numerous existing attractions have been retrofitted to cater to your specific tastes. We did a detailed study and invested some effort into this project and I am sure you will like what you see.
Where we could not have the attraction to directly inflict pain on you, we inflicted pain on the attraction so that you can be reminded of pain.
We have spared no expense for the sake of your displeasure.
While we cannot list all of the different attractions here, we've picked just a few painful highlights.
Enjoy, or rather, don't enjoy your stay!
Shopping
Do you find that your shopping experience lacks pushing, shoving and people ramming into you with trolleys loaded with television sets?
Want a shopping trip where you can get good bargains and yet at the same time be exposed to risk of death by suffocation?
Then you absolutely cannot miss one of Singapore's IT fairs.
At every fair, nearly the entire male population crams into a few convention centre floors and proceeds to buy flatscreen TVs like they (the TVs, not the men) are curry puffs.
IT vendor: Hello uncle, would you like to buy a TV? There's a promotion.
Man: Sure, I'll take five. And don't call me uncle.
If you think crowds are painful, wait till you try a crowd where every other person is pushing a trolley with a giant TV in it.
You may never want to go back to normal shopping again.
Eating
Singapore has long been known for its great dining experiences. It is known for having good food at clean hawker centres at very reasonable prices.
Understandably, you masochistic tourists stayed away.
However, thanks to the innovative efforts of one seafood stall at Newton Hawker Centre, Singapore now has a dining experience it is proud to offer to visitors like you.
You will still get a taste of Singapore food but with the added satisfaction of feeling completely ripped off at the end.
Enjoy the thrill of being presented with a gigantic bill at the end of your meal. A single tiger prawn can cost as much as $30. A meal for six will cost more than that TV set you got rammed with at the IT fair.
For a little added bonus, try querying the bill. Then just sit back and soak in some fear as some burly men appear to persuade you to pay.
When you finally cave in and pay up, make sure you don't pay with exact change, then watch helplessly as the stall owner who presented you with the large bill thinks you want to give him a tip.
It's this sort of dining experience that prompted one masochist to say: 'Die, die must try'.
Water sports
After you've done all the shopping and eating, how about some outdoor activity to burn off those calories?
For you the masochist, we offer an exciting water rescue that combines physical pain of injury with the emotional pain of feeling unappreciated.
The day starts with a stroll along the Singapore River near the Merlion. If you are lucky, someone who cannot swim will fall into the water. You then dive into the water to perform a heroic rescue.
In the process, you are likely to suffer scrapes and bruises bad enough to warrant a trip to hospital.
Sounds good so far? It gets better.
Not only are you wet and injured for doing a good thing, you will also be out of pocket to the tune of $90. Yes, as a special treat for tourists like you, you will be made to pay your hospital bill.
During the trip, be sure to have your picture taken with the Merlion statue.
It became an iconic symbol for pain after a lightning strike left a large hole in its head.
Amazing views
After all that excitement, it's time to wind down with a relaxing ride on the world's largest observation wheel, the Singapore Flyer. Such wheels may be commonplace these days, but none offers the kind of torture we do.
As with the water rescue, timing is crucial here. While the wheel will operate normally most times (it has to cater to normal tourists too), it will occasionally break down.
When it does, you can look forward to up to six hours stuck in a small enclosed capsule at over 100m in the air.
This is especially recommended for claustrophobic masochists who fear heights.
For the ultimate experience though, make sure to drink a lot of water just before you get on and don't take any plastic bags with you.
Somewhere around the third hour, you'll be a big hit with the rest of the passengers.
These are but a few of the many wonderful experiences just waiting to be enjoyed. And we're coming up with new ways to hurt you all the time.
So what are you waiting for? Contact your travel agent today.
jeremyau@sph.com.sg
This article was first published in The Straits Times.
Thinking of taking a holiday in Singapore but fear there won't be enough suffering?
Well, worry no more. (Unless, of course, you happen to enjoy worrying, in which case you can worry all you want. Whatever floats your boat. I'm not here to judge.)
We will be the first to admit that Singapore has long neglected your specific demographic. In the past, the country had very little to offer people like you who demand a certain amount of pain and suffering on their vacations.
You will be glad to know that much has changed. In recent months, numerous existing attractions have been retrofitted to cater to your specific tastes. We did a detailed study and invested some effort into this project and I am sure you will like what you see.
Where we could not have the attraction to directly inflict pain on you, we inflicted pain on the attraction so that you can be reminded of pain.
We have spared no expense for the sake of your displeasure.
While we cannot list all of the different attractions here, we've picked just a few painful highlights.
Enjoy, or rather, don't enjoy your stay!
Shopping
Do you find that your shopping experience lacks pushing, shoving and people ramming into you with trolleys loaded with television sets?
Want a shopping trip where you can get good bargains and yet at the same time be exposed to risk of death by suffocation?
Then you absolutely cannot miss one of Singapore's IT fairs.
At every fair, nearly the entire male population crams into a few convention centre floors and proceeds to buy flatscreen TVs like they (the TVs, not the men) are curry puffs.
IT vendor: Hello uncle, would you like to buy a TV? There's a promotion.
Man: Sure, I'll take five. And don't call me uncle.
If you think crowds are painful, wait till you try a crowd where every other person is pushing a trolley with a giant TV in it.
You may never want to go back to normal shopping again.
Eating
Singapore has long been known for its great dining experiences. It is known for having good food at clean hawker centres at very reasonable prices.
Understandably, you masochistic tourists stayed away.
However, thanks to the innovative efforts of one seafood stall at Newton Hawker Centre, Singapore now has a dining experience it is proud to offer to visitors like you.
You will still get a taste of Singapore food but with the added satisfaction of feeling completely ripped off at the end.
Enjoy the thrill of being presented with a gigantic bill at the end of your meal. A single tiger prawn can cost as much as $30. A meal for six will cost more than that TV set you got rammed with at the IT fair.
For a little added bonus, try querying the bill. Then just sit back and soak in some fear as some burly men appear to persuade you to pay.
When you finally cave in and pay up, make sure you don't pay with exact change, then watch helplessly as the stall owner who presented you with the large bill thinks you want to give him a tip.
It's this sort of dining experience that prompted one masochist to say: 'Die, die must try'.
Water sports
After you've done all the shopping and eating, how about some outdoor activity to burn off those calories?
For you the masochist, we offer an exciting water rescue that combines physical pain of injury with the emotional pain of feeling unappreciated.
The day starts with a stroll along the Singapore River near the Merlion. If you are lucky, someone who cannot swim will fall into the water. You then dive into the water to perform a heroic rescue.
In the process, you are likely to suffer scrapes and bruises bad enough to warrant a trip to hospital.
Sounds good so far? It gets better.
Not only are you wet and injured for doing a good thing, you will also be out of pocket to the tune of $90. Yes, as a special treat for tourists like you, you will be made to pay your hospital bill.
During the trip, be sure to have your picture taken with the Merlion statue.
It became an iconic symbol for pain after a lightning strike left a large hole in its head.
Amazing views
After all that excitement, it's time to wind down with a relaxing ride on the world's largest observation wheel, the Singapore Flyer. Such wheels may be commonplace these days, but none offers the kind of torture we do.
As with the water rescue, timing is crucial here. While the wheel will operate normally most times (it has to cater to normal tourists too), it will occasionally break down.
When it does, you can look forward to up to six hours stuck in a small enclosed capsule at over 100m in the air.
This is especially recommended for claustrophobic masochists who fear heights.
For the ultimate experience though, make sure to drink a lot of water just before you get on and don't take any plastic bags with you.
Somewhere around the third hour, you'll be a big hit with the rest of the passengers.
These are but a few of the many wonderful experiences just waiting to be enjoyed. And we're coming up with new ways to hurt you all the time.
So what are you waiting for? Contact your travel agent today.
jeremyau@sph.com.sg
This article was first published in The Straits Times.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Bicycle Seats
Girls,
I understand that you are buying a bicycle each.. please see the photo below before buying....
When buying a bicycle, make sure colour of the seat is taken into consideration!
I understand that you are buying a bicycle each.. please see the photo below before buying....
When buying a bicycle, make sure colour of the seat is taken into consideration!
 |
Friday, February 12, 2010
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