How the fight started

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our
upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny
that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a weighing scale.

And then the fight started...



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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take
her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas
station.

And then the fight started...



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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to
apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter
asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I
looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I
opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said,
'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security
application..

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You
might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...



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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her
drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...


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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her
husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller
Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night
than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

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My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look
big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....

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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise
came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled
at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked
jumped out the window.. He smashed himself on the ground,
ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the
bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your
husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you
running?'

And then the fight started.....

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made
my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to
back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and
slipped back into bed..

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe
my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...


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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet
appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started.....

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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you
want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow
I always had something else to take care of first: the
truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more
important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the
tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out
again I handed her a toothbrush.

'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said,
'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

and then the fight started....