Monday, August 31, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, 'My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father' '.
The second Catholic man chirps, 'My son is a bishop.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace''.
The third Catholic gent says, 'My son is a cardinal.
When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence' '.
The fourth Catholic man chirps, 'My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness''.
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,
the four men give her a subtle, 'Well...?'
She replies, 'I have a daughter. She is slim, tall and 36-24-36.
When she walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God !.... :-)
The first Catholic man tells his friends, 'My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father' '.
The second Catholic man chirps, 'My son is a bishop.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace''.
The third Catholic gent says, 'My son is a cardinal.
When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence' '.
The fourth Catholic man chirps, 'My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness''.
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,
the four men give her a subtle, 'Well...?'
She replies, 'I have a daughter. She is slim, tall and 36-24-36.
When she walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God !.... :-)
Monday, August 17, 2009
Love yourself
I'm only as strong as the cocktails I drink, the hairspray I use, and the
girlfriends I have. Here's to you! Why do we only have parties for each
other when one of us gets married, pregnant, has a birthday, or retires?
What would most of us do without our sisters, confidants, and shopping,
lunching and traveling girlfriends? Let's celebrate each other for each
other's sake! Be happy!
Someone will always be prettier.
Someone will always be smarter.
Someone's house will be bigger.
Someone will drive a better car.
Someone's children will do better in school.
And Someone's husband will fix more things around the house.
So let it go, and love you and your circumstances.
Think about it.
The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.
And the richest woman you know, who's got the car, the house, the clothes....might be lonely.
And the word says if "I have not Love, I am nothing."
So, again, love you.
Love who you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile.
"Winners make things happen.
Losers let things happen."
Pass this on to encourage another woman.
"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world".
girlfriends I have. Here's to you! Why do we only have parties for each
other when one of us gets married, pregnant, has a birthday, or retires?
What would most of us do without our sisters, confidants, and shopping,
lunching and traveling girlfriends? Let's celebrate each other for each
other's sake! Be happy!
Someone will always be prettier.
Someone will always be smarter.
Someone's house will be bigger.
Someone will drive a better car.
Someone's children will do better in school.
And Someone's husband will fix more things around the house.
So let it go, and love you and your circumstances.
Think about it.
The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.
And the richest woman you know, who's got the car, the house, the clothes....might be lonely.
And the word says if "I have not Love, I am nothing."
So, again, love you.
Love who you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile.
"Winners make things happen.
Losers let things happen."
Pass this on to encourage another woman.
"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world".
Rape on the Plane
I have not found any websites saying this is not true. So it's better to exercise caution.
---------
I really find it hard to believe such incident can happen in the plane. But nothing is impossible nowadays. So for any of you or your spouse who is travelling alone, just need to be careful.
Actually there are many Saudi rape and abuse cases reported in the newspapers. Their government will protect their own citizens and usually turn a blind eye towards the victims (foreigners) or even jail them for supposedly making false accusations. So, stay the same.
The most horrific incident has recently occurred on a Emirates Airlines and the culprits have gotten away with it. The worst thing about this case is that this is the 4th case to have happened on this airline.
During the Christmas of 2005, Emirates Airline made it's regular flight from Dubai to Manila. However, 4 hours into the flight, most passengers were sleeping or dozing off. A man approached a lady who was alone and asked her to assist his child in the bathroom. Not thinking much the lady followed the gentleman to the rear of the plane.
Immediately she was grabbed by the man's 3 accomplices who immediately gagged and taped her mouth and then went on to rape her in the back area of the craft while 2 kept watch, 2 others molested and raped her.
After they had all had a turn, they forced her to drink a drug laced drink and escorted her to her seat. She had knocked off until she arrived in manila by which time the 4 men had disembarked and gotten away.
This is a repeat case of the same thing that happened on a flight from Dubai to Mumbai on a Emirates airline.
The Emirates staff are aware of this but when the staff have some suspicion of some incident taking place they make it a point to avoid going to the back of the plane.
This is the 4th case to take place on Emirates airline.
However the worst case of a rape victim on a emirates flight was when a flight from Bangkok to Dubai . The lady was not only raped on flight but she was taken thru immigration into Dubai and raped for several days and then later on sold to the underground.
Please pass this on to all females who travel alone.
---------
I really find it hard to believe such incident can happen in the plane. But nothing is impossible nowadays. So for any of you or your spouse who is travelling alone, just need to be careful.
Actually there are many Saudi rape and abuse cases reported in the newspapers. Their government will protect their own citizens and usually turn a blind eye towards the victims (foreigners) or even jail them for supposedly making false accusations. So, stay the same.
The most horrific incident has recently occurred on a Emirates Airlines and the culprits have gotten away with it. The worst thing about this case is that this is the 4th case to have happened on this airline.
During the Christmas of 2005, Emirates Airline made it's regular flight from Dubai to Manila. However, 4 hours into the flight, most passengers were sleeping or dozing off. A man approached a lady who was alone and asked her to assist his child in the bathroom. Not thinking much the lady followed the gentleman to the rear of the plane.
Immediately she was grabbed by the man's 3 accomplices who immediately gagged and taped her mouth and then went on to rape her in the back area of the craft while 2 kept watch, 2 others molested and raped her.
After they had all had a turn, they forced her to drink a drug laced drink and escorted her to her seat. She had knocked off until she arrived in manila by which time the 4 men had disembarked and gotten away.
This is a repeat case of the same thing that happened on a flight from Dubai to Mumbai on a Emirates airline.
The Emirates staff are aware of this but when the staff have some suspicion of some incident taking place they make it a point to avoid going to the back of the plane.
This is the 4th case to take place on Emirates airline.
However the worst case of a rape victim on a emirates flight was when a flight from Bangkok to Dubai . The lady was not only raped on flight but she was taken thru immigration into Dubai and raped for several days and then later on sold to the underground.
Please pass this on to all females who travel alone.
Indian goes to an Australian grocery store
An Indian goes to Australia and goes to Woolworths (a grocery store in Australia). He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.
The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.
Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food.
The Sardar goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.
Next week the Indian comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.
The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately takes it out. He shouts at the Indian, "What the F*** is this? Is this shit you idiot?"
The Indian calmly replies, "Yes, and I want to buy toilet paper."
The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.
Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food.
The Sardar goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.
Next week the Indian comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.
The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately takes it out. He shouts at the Indian, "What the F*** is this? Is this shit you idiot?"
The Indian calmly replies, "Yes, and I want to buy toilet paper."
World's Easiest Quiz
(Passing requires 4 correct answers)
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
All done? Check your answers below!
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
*116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
*Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
*Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
* November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
*Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
*Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name?
*Albert
8) What colour is a purple finch?
*Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
*New Zealand
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
*Orange, of course.
What do you mean you failed??
Pass this on to some other brilliant friends :P
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
All done? Check your answers below!
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
*116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
*Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
*Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
* November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
*Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
*Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name?
*Albert
8) What colour is a purple finch?
*Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
*New Zealand
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
*Orange, of course.
What do you mean you failed??
Pass this on to some other brilliant friends :P
Who is rich and who is poor?
One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live.
They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.
On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"
"It was great, Dad."
"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.
"Oh yeah," said the son.
"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
The son answered:
"I saw that we have one dog and they had four.
We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.
We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.
Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.
We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.
We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.
We buy our food, but they grow theirs.
We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."
The boy's father was speechless.
Then his son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are."
Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have.
Appreciate every single thing you have!
They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.
On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"
"It was great, Dad."
"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.
"Oh yeah," said the son.
"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
The son answered:
"I saw that we have one dog and they had four.
We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.
We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.
Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.
We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.
We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.
We buy our food, but they grow theirs.
We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."
The boy's father was speechless.
Then his son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are."
Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have.
Appreciate every single thing you have!
4 Boyfriends
Once upon a time there was this girl who had four boyfriends.
She loved the 4th boyfriend the most and adored him with rich robes and
treated him to the finest of delicacies. She gave him nothing but the
best.
She also loved the 3rd boyfriend very much and was always showing him off
to neighboring kingdoms. However, she feared that one day he would leave
her for another.
She also loved her 2nd boyfriend. He was her confidant and was always
kind,considerate and patient with her. Whenever this girl faced a problem,
she could confide in him, and he would help her get through the difficult
times.
The girls 1st boyfriend was a very loyal partner and had made great
contributions in maintaining her wealth and kingdom. However, she did not
love the first boyfriend. Although he loved her deeply, she hardly took
notice of him!
One day, the girl fell ill and she knew her time was short. She thought of
her luxurious life and wondered, I now have four boyfriends with me, but
when I die, I'll be all alone.'
Thus, she asked the 4th boyfriend, 'I loved you the most, endowed you with
the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying,
will you follow me and keep me company?'
'No way!', replied the 4th boyfriend, and he walked away without another
word..
His answer cut like a sharp knife right into her heart.
The sad girl then asked the 3rd boyfriend, 'I loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?'
'No!', replied the 3rd boyfrien d. 'Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to marry someone else!'
Her heart sank and turned cold.
She then asked the 2nd boyfriend, 'I have always turned to you for help and
you've always been there for me.
When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?'
'I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!', replied the 2nd boyfriend.
'At the very most, I can only walk with you to your grave.'
His answer struck her like a bolt of lightning, and the girl was devastated.
Then a voice called out: 'I'll go with you. I'll follow you no matter where
you go..'
The girl looked up, and there was his first boyfriend. He was very skinny as he suffered from malnutrition and neglect.
Greatly grieved, the girl said, 'I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!'
In truth, you have 4 boyfriends in your lives:
Your 4th boyfriend is your body. No matter how much time and effort you
lavish in making it look good, it will leave you when you die.
Your 3rd boyfriend is your possessions, status and wealth.When you die, it will all go to others.
Your 2nd boyfriend is your family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for you, the furthest they can stay by you is up to the grave.
And your 1st boyfriend is your Soul. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the world.
However, your Soul is the only thing that will follow you where ever you go. Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of you
that will follow you and continue with you throughout Eternity.
Pass this on to someone you care about - I just did.
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
She loved the 4th boyfriend the most and adored him with rich robes and
treated him to the finest of delicacies. She gave him nothing but the
best.
She also loved the 3rd boyfriend very much and was always showing him off
to neighboring kingdoms. However, she feared that one day he would leave
her for another.
She also loved her 2nd boyfriend. He was her confidant and was always
kind,considerate and patient with her. Whenever this girl faced a problem,
she could confide in him, and he would help her get through the difficult
times.
The girls 1st boyfriend was a very loyal partner and had made great
contributions in maintaining her wealth and kingdom. However, she did not
love the first boyfriend. Although he loved her deeply, she hardly took
notice of him!
One day, the girl fell ill and she knew her time was short. She thought of
her luxurious life and wondered, I now have four boyfriends with me, but
when I die, I'll be all alone.'
Thus, she asked the 4th boyfriend, 'I loved you the most, endowed you with
the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying,
will you follow me and keep me company?'
'No way!', replied the 4th boyfriend, and he walked away without another
word..
His answer cut like a sharp knife right into her heart.
The sad girl then asked the 3rd boyfriend, 'I loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?'
'No!', replied the 3rd boyfrien d. 'Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to marry someone else!'
Her heart sank and turned cold.
She then asked the 2nd boyfriend, 'I have always turned to you for help and
you've always been there for me.
When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?'
'I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!', replied the 2nd boyfriend.
'At the very most, I can only walk with you to your grave.'
His answer struck her like a bolt of lightning, and the girl was devastated.
Then a voice called out: 'I'll go with you. I'll follow you no matter where
you go..'
The girl looked up, and there was his first boyfriend. He was very skinny as he suffered from malnutrition and neglect.
Greatly grieved, the girl said, 'I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!'
In truth, you have 4 boyfriends in your lives:
Your 4th boyfriend is your body. No matter how much time and effort you
lavish in making it look good, it will leave you when you die.
Your 3rd boyfriend is your possessions, status and wealth.When you die, it will all go to others.
Your 2nd boyfriend is your family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for you, the furthest they can stay by you is up to the grave.
And your 1st boyfriend is your Soul. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the world.
However, your Soul is the only thing that will follow you where ever you go. Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of you
that will follow you and continue with you throughout Eternity.
Pass this on to someone you care about - I just did.
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
A Clever Tale: A Bottle of Wine
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning; it's a bad one. Both their cars are total lost, but amazingly
neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After crawling out of
their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, 'So,
you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we
should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive..'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely lost but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the
man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever.
Don't mess with them.
morning; it's a bad one. Both their cars are total lost, but amazingly
neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After crawling out of
their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, 'So,
you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we
should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive..'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely lost but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the
man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever.
Don't mess with them.
Hotel bill
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne.
After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they
Decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but
They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a bill for
$450.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the
Clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00.
When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on
Speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel
Has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available
For the husband and wife to use.
'But we didn't use them,' the man complains
'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on
To explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is
Famous. 'The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas
Perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions! The man replies, 'But we didn't
Use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' he says,
'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'
'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my
Wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have!
After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they
Decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but
They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a bill for
$450.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the
Clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00.
When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on
Speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel
Has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available
For the husband and wife to use.
'But we didn't use them,' the man complains
'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on
To explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is
Famous. 'The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas
Perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions! The man replies, 'But we didn't
Use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' he says,
'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'
'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my
Wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have!
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