An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy ,
went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from
the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have
no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with sexual
favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one
more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?''
Showing posts with label Joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joke. Show all posts
Friday, September 3, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
The moral of the story
This is a story about
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear
A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.
There is a moral to this story.....
In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.
The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,
'Gosh...if I go down three inches
I will feel the mist
From the water and I will be refreshed.'
There was a fish in the water thinking,
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'
There was a bear on the shore thinking,
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches
That fish will jump for the fly...
And I will grab the fish!!'
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.....
'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish leaps for it...
That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'
Now, you probably think this is
Enough activity on one river bank,
But I can tell you there's more....
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,
'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish jumps for that fly..
And that bear grabs for that fish...
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich.'
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
This particular river around lunch time)
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..
And that fish jumps for that fly
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear..
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .
Then I can have mouse for lunch.'
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish..
The hunter shoots the bear..
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.
NOW, The Moral Of The Story...
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear
A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.
There is a moral to this story.....
In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.
The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,
'Gosh...if I go down three inches
I will feel the mist
From the water and I will be refreshed.'
There was a fish in the water thinking,
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'
There was a bear on the shore thinking,
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches
That fish will jump for the fly...
And I will grab the fish!!'
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.....
'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish leaps for it...
That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'
Now, you probably think this is
Enough activity on one river bank,
But I can tell you there's more....
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,
'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish jumps for that fly..
And that bear grabs for that fish...
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich.'
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
This particular river around lunch time)
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..
And that fish jumps for that fly
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear..
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .
Then I can have mouse for lunch.'
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish..
The hunter shoots the bear..
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.
NOW, The Moral Of The Story...
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Head of the household
When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, 'I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter.'
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was100 miles long and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, 'You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! 'You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! 'Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.' God turned to the one man, 'How did you manage to be the only one in this line?'
The man replied, 'My wife told me to stand here.'
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was100 miles long and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, 'You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! 'You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! 'Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.' God turned to the one man, 'How did you manage to be the only one in this line?'
The man replied, 'My wife told me to stand here.'
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Gotta love this Doctor
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine; that means they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine; that means they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Friday, May 14, 2010
He Said To Me
He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?
He said to me .. . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart.
He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time.
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.
He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
He said....What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.
He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . .
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?
He said to me .. . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart.
He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time.
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.
He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
He said....What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.
He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . .
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Friday, May 7, 2010
The Horse and the Chicken
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Women's English and Men's English
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do! what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
---------------------------------------------------------
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do! what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
---------------------------------------------------------
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
What it really means
40-ish.............................................49
Adventurous.................................Slept with everyone
Athletic..........................................No tits
Average looking..........................Moooo
Beautiful.......................................Pathological liar
Emotionally Secure......................On medication
Feminist..........................................Fat
Free spirit....................................Junkie
Friendship first..........................Former ****
New-Age....................................Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned.............................No BJs
Open-minded.................................Desperate
Outgoing........................................Loud and Embarrassing
Professional....................................*****
Voluptuous...................................Very Fat
Large frame.................................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker
Adventurous.................................Slept with everyone
Athletic..........................................No tits
Average looking..........................Moooo
Beautiful.......................................Pathological liar
Emotionally Secure......................On medication
Feminist..........................................Fat
Free spirit....................................Junkie
Friendship first..........................Former ****
New-Age....................................Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned.............................No BJs
Open-minded.................................Desperate
Outgoing........................................Loud and Embarrassing
Professional....................................*****
Voluptuous...................................Very Fat
Large frame.................................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker
Thursday, March 18, 2010
A real man
Girl: I have had sex with 4 boys & you have done it with 8 girls, still everybody calls me a SLUT & calls you a REAL MAN.
Please explain.
BOY: Very simple....
When a lock is opened by many keys, it becomes a BAD LOCK..... Not a reliable Lock.
But when a key opens many locks, it becomes a MASTER KEY.
Please explain.
BOY: Very simple....
When a lock is opened by many keys, it becomes a BAD LOCK..... Not a reliable Lock.
But when a key opens many locks, it becomes a MASTER KEY.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Engineer vs management
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Monday, March 15, 2010
Women-only carpark
With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded carparks ... Especially during evening hours ... The Edinburgh City Council has established a 'Women Only' carpark at the Tesco shopping centre.. Even the parking attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.
Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Edinburgh!
Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Edinburgh!
Male or female?
Male or Female? You might not know this...but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off...it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed...but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object... Because to get them to go anywhere.....you have to light a fire under their arse.
SPONGES: These are female...because they are soft......squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES:
Female...because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male... Because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because....over time...all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male.... Because in the last 5000 years.....they've hardly changed at all...and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male...but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it...and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push...he just keeps trying
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off...it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed...but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object... Because to get them to go anywhere.....you have to light a fire under their arse.
SPONGES: These are female...because they are soft......squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES:
Female...because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male... Because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because....over time...all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male.... Because in the last 5000 years.....they've hardly changed at all...and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male...but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it...and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push...he just keeps trying
Sunday, March 14, 2010
6 Classic affairs
The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home..
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "! Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and m ade a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.. It must! be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have to show you something you won't bel ieve," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"
The 4th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home..
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "! Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and m ade a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.. It must! be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have to show you something you won't bel ieve," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"
The 4th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
Sex in the Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device..... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy. . You explain the kids.'
Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device..... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy. . You explain the kids.'
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Productivity Campaign
A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels
that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer
bought one young cock from the market.
Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together productivity.
Young cock : What ya mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.
Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose, you will have all.
Young cock : O.K. What kind of competition?
Old cock : 50 metre run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 metres.
Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.
Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10-metre mark, the Young cock chases him with all his might.
Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock's back, in a matter of seconds.
Suddenly, Bang! ..... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Fucking Hell! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !"
that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer
bought one young cock from the market.
Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together productivity.
Young cock : What ya mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.
Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose, you will have all.
Young cock : O.K. What kind of competition?
Old cock : 50 metre run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 metres.
Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.
Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10-metre mark, the Young cock chases him with all his might.
Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock's back, in a matter of seconds.
Suddenly, Bang! ..... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Fucking Hell! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !"
The jar
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it..
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next,
he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next,
he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Language barrier
Once upon a time, there are Chinese and English men who do not understand each of their language very well, they agree to go to the restaurant and order some food.
Everytime the Chinese man lift up his glass, he starts to tell to the English man “ Gan Bei” (Cheers).
The English man confuse what is that for, but he continues his eating. That thing happens few times, everytime the Chinese man want to drink he always says “Gan Bei” The English man only nods and silent then drink and eating again. Not so long the Chinese man says it again, “Gan Bei” while he is lifting up his glass. This time the English man put his cutlery and angry at the Chinese man and says “ It’s all right if u CAN’T PAY!” I will pay! So shut up!”
Everytime the Chinese man lift up his glass, he starts to tell to the English man “ Gan Bei” (Cheers).
The English man confuse what is that for, but he continues his eating. That thing happens few times, everytime the Chinese man want to drink he always says “Gan Bei” The English man only nods and silent then drink and eating again. Not so long the Chinese man says it again, “Gan Bei” while he is lifting up his glass. This time the English man put his cutlery and angry at the Chinese man and says “ It’s all right if u CAN’T PAY!” I will pay! So shut up!”
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Work Efficiency - The Spoon
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to
revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant.. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to
revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant.. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
Monday, February 15, 2010
The 'painful' guide to visiting S'pore
By jeremy au yong, jay talking
Thinking of taking a holiday in Singapore but fear there won't be enough suffering?
Well, worry no more. (Unless, of course, you happen to enjoy worrying, in which case you can worry all you want. Whatever floats your boat. I'm not here to judge.)
We will be the first to admit that Singapore has long neglected your specific demographic. In the past, the country had very little to offer people like you who demand a certain amount of pain and suffering on their vacations.
You will be glad to know that much has changed. In recent months, numerous existing attractions have been retrofitted to cater to your specific tastes. We did a detailed study and invested some effort into this project and I am sure you will like what you see.
Where we could not have the attraction to directly inflict pain on you, we inflicted pain on the attraction so that you can be reminded of pain.
We have spared no expense for the sake of your displeasure.
While we cannot list all of the different attractions here, we've picked just a few painful highlights.
Enjoy, or rather, don't enjoy your stay!
Shopping
Do you find that your shopping experience lacks pushing, shoving and people ramming into you with trolleys loaded with television sets?
Want a shopping trip where you can get good bargains and yet at the same time be exposed to risk of death by suffocation?
Then you absolutely cannot miss one of Singapore's IT fairs.
At every fair, nearly the entire male population crams into a few convention centre floors and proceeds to buy flatscreen TVs like they (the TVs, not the men) are curry puffs.
IT vendor: Hello uncle, would you like to buy a TV? There's a promotion.
Man: Sure, I'll take five. And don't call me uncle.
If you think crowds are painful, wait till you try a crowd where every other person is pushing a trolley with a giant TV in it.
You may never want to go back to normal shopping again.
Eating
Singapore has long been known for its great dining experiences. It is known for having good food at clean hawker centres at very reasonable prices.
Understandably, you masochistic tourists stayed away.
However, thanks to the innovative efforts of one seafood stall at Newton Hawker Centre, Singapore now has a dining experience it is proud to offer to visitors like you.
You will still get a taste of Singapore food but with the added satisfaction of feeling completely ripped off at the end.
Enjoy the thrill of being presented with a gigantic bill at the end of your meal. A single tiger prawn can cost as much as $30. A meal for six will cost more than that TV set you got rammed with at the IT fair.
For a little added bonus, try querying the bill. Then just sit back and soak in some fear as some burly men appear to persuade you to pay.
When you finally cave in and pay up, make sure you don't pay with exact change, then watch helplessly as the stall owner who presented you with the large bill thinks you want to give him a tip.
It's this sort of dining experience that prompted one masochist to say: 'Die, die must try'.
Water sports
After you've done all the shopping and eating, how about some outdoor activity to burn off those calories?
For you the masochist, we offer an exciting water rescue that combines physical pain of injury with the emotional pain of feeling unappreciated.
The day starts with a stroll along the Singapore River near the Merlion. If you are lucky, someone who cannot swim will fall into the water. You then dive into the water to perform a heroic rescue.
In the process, you are likely to suffer scrapes and bruises bad enough to warrant a trip to hospital.
Sounds good so far? It gets better.
Not only are you wet and injured for doing a good thing, you will also be out of pocket to the tune of $90. Yes, as a special treat for tourists like you, you will be made to pay your hospital bill.
During the trip, be sure to have your picture taken with the Merlion statue.
It became an iconic symbol for pain after a lightning strike left a large hole in its head.
Amazing views
After all that excitement, it's time to wind down with a relaxing ride on the world's largest observation wheel, the Singapore Flyer. Such wheels may be commonplace these days, but none offers the kind of torture we do.
As with the water rescue, timing is crucial here. While the wheel will operate normally most times (it has to cater to normal tourists too), it will occasionally break down.
When it does, you can look forward to up to six hours stuck in a small enclosed capsule at over 100m in the air.
This is especially recommended for claustrophobic masochists who fear heights.
For the ultimate experience though, make sure to drink a lot of water just before you get on and don't take any plastic bags with you.
Somewhere around the third hour, you'll be a big hit with the rest of the passengers.
These are but a few of the many wonderful experiences just waiting to be enjoyed. And we're coming up with new ways to hurt you all the time.
So what are you waiting for? Contact your travel agent today.
jeremyau@sph.com.sg
This article was first published in The Straits Times.
Thinking of taking a holiday in Singapore but fear there won't be enough suffering?
Well, worry no more. (Unless, of course, you happen to enjoy worrying, in which case you can worry all you want. Whatever floats your boat. I'm not here to judge.)
We will be the first to admit that Singapore has long neglected your specific demographic. In the past, the country had very little to offer people like you who demand a certain amount of pain and suffering on their vacations.
You will be glad to know that much has changed. In recent months, numerous existing attractions have been retrofitted to cater to your specific tastes. We did a detailed study and invested some effort into this project and I am sure you will like what you see.
Where we could not have the attraction to directly inflict pain on you, we inflicted pain on the attraction so that you can be reminded of pain.
We have spared no expense for the sake of your displeasure.
While we cannot list all of the different attractions here, we've picked just a few painful highlights.
Enjoy, or rather, don't enjoy your stay!
Shopping
Do you find that your shopping experience lacks pushing, shoving and people ramming into you with trolleys loaded with television sets?
Want a shopping trip where you can get good bargains and yet at the same time be exposed to risk of death by suffocation?
Then you absolutely cannot miss one of Singapore's IT fairs.
At every fair, nearly the entire male population crams into a few convention centre floors and proceeds to buy flatscreen TVs like they (the TVs, not the men) are curry puffs.
IT vendor: Hello uncle, would you like to buy a TV? There's a promotion.
Man: Sure, I'll take five. And don't call me uncle.
If you think crowds are painful, wait till you try a crowd where every other person is pushing a trolley with a giant TV in it.
You may never want to go back to normal shopping again.
Eating
Singapore has long been known for its great dining experiences. It is known for having good food at clean hawker centres at very reasonable prices.
Understandably, you masochistic tourists stayed away.
However, thanks to the innovative efforts of one seafood stall at Newton Hawker Centre, Singapore now has a dining experience it is proud to offer to visitors like you.
You will still get a taste of Singapore food but with the added satisfaction of feeling completely ripped off at the end.
Enjoy the thrill of being presented with a gigantic bill at the end of your meal. A single tiger prawn can cost as much as $30. A meal for six will cost more than that TV set you got rammed with at the IT fair.
For a little added bonus, try querying the bill. Then just sit back and soak in some fear as some burly men appear to persuade you to pay.
When you finally cave in and pay up, make sure you don't pay with exact change, then watch helplessly as the stall owner who presented you with the large bill thinks you want to give him a tip.
It's this sort of dining experience that prompted one masochist to say: 'Die, die must try'.
Water sports
After you've done all the shopping and eating, how about some outdoor activity to burn off those calories?
For you the masochist, we offer an exciting water rescue that combines physical pain of injury with the emotional pain of feeling unappreciated.
The day starts with a stroll along the Singapore River near the Merlion. If you are lucky, someone who cannot swim will fall into the water. You then dive into the water to perform a heroic rescue.
In the process, you are likely to suffer scrapes and bruises bad enough to warrant a trip to hospital.
Sounds good so far? It gets better.
Not only are you wet and injured for doing a good thing, you will also be out of pocket to the tune of $90. Yes, as a special treat for tourists like you, you will be made to pay your hospital bill.
During the trip, be sure to have your picture taken with the Merlion statue.
It became an iconic symbol for pain after a lightning strike left a large hole in its head.
Amazing views
After all that excitement, it's time to wind down with a relaxing ride on the world's largest observation wheel, the Singapore Flyer. Such wheels may be commonplace these days, but none offers the kind of torture we do.
As with the water rescue, timing is crucial here. While the wheel will operate normally most times (it has to cater to normal tourists too), it will occasionally break down.
When it does, you can look forward to up to six hours stuck in a small enclosed capsule at over 100m in the air.
This is especially recommended for claustrophobic masochists who fear heights.
For the ultimate experience though, make sure to drink a lot of water just before you get on and don't take any plastic bags with you.
Somewhere around the third hour, you'll be a big hit with the rest of the passengers.
These are but a few of the many wonderful experiences just waiting to be enjoyed. And we're coming up with new ways to hurt you all the time.
So what are you waiting for? Contact your travel agent today.
jeremyau@sph.com.sg
This article was first published in The Straits Times.
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